#i havent read any in such a long time bc ive been so focused on writing it

[bluegarners]

🍾 and 🍿 for the ask game!

hi hi!! thanks for playing <33

🍾 - A character the fandom has helped you appreciate more

tim drake... i wasn't much into him at first, he was very blasé to me, but he's become like a little cousin to me. i have learned to look at him through dick's perspective, and yeah, he's just a little brother! he's such a little brother, and as someone who has little brothers, have rounded the corner on tim. he's hard headed and smart and goofy, and it's difficult not to like him now!

🍿 - Your top three favorite Fics atm

i can't say i have favorites but i DO have fics i think about all the time!!

you're in the same place as i am: short read but PROSAIC and THOUGHT PROVOKING. so much is said in so little words and the atmosphere is delicate and haunted and playful and like peering behind a curtain, it's just sooo good, i literally can't recommend it enough if you like the theme of Wayne Manor being a living thing

There Is: this one is by @dustorange and it is gut-wrenching- in my opinion, her most visceral, to the point, SHARP fic she's written so far. i've only read it twice, but oh my, it just STICKS deep into your ribs, i've never read anything like it. it's a no-capes zombie apocalypse AU that is grounded and serious but oh so sweet because of dick and bruce's unshakeable bond. highly recommend for how perfectly right the characterizations are in such an alternate universe

an endless road to rediscover: admittedly i haven't read this fic in a longggg time, but it's one of those fics that if you weren't completely on board with dick and damian's brother/not-brother/father and son/not father and son dynamic, then this is the fic that'll get you on board. absolutely sweet, filled with emotion, reassurances, mar'i grayson (yayyyy!!), and damian being vulnerable and still a child and wow- just a really heart warming fic

[liam-zor-el]

If you’re okay with it, could you tell me any issues/problems you had or have with the Walking Dead comics? Asking because I always see TWD fans criticizing the show but never the comics (on Tumblr, at least), and while I understand why fans criticize the show more than the comics, the comics isn’t a 100% perfect either and definitely has some problems of it’s own too; especially during the early run of the comics.

oohh finally another chance to talk about this. i also never see criticism about the comics on tumblr for some reason. it's kinda crazy because, in my opinion, the show improved upon the comics in like many ways. i wont get into all that bc i havent watched it in a while but if you want i could some other time. i also have the opposite view on the comic where i think it started off really strong and most of my problems come by the latter part of the series.

Most of my critiques are focused on the characters being wasted, done badly, or ignored. most often in favour of rick and carl. i understand they're the main characters, but at a certain point the way characters like sophia and lydia (will get back to her in a bit) are so badly squandered and underdeveloped all because their motivations need to be centred around carl, it starts to feel a bit boring to read when it's pretty clear that kirkman cared so much more about carl's character than anyone else

on that topic, by the end of the run, there are so many random characters and that just have nothing really to them. remember kelly and connie? wouldn't blame you if you didn't, they are introduced with magna's group in issue 127 and after that are mostly just in background shots and stuff. they don't even show up in the last issue. magna's whole group has this problem actually, we get so little time with them that it feels like they were there for no reason. most of the stuff we get to know about them is through exposition because there's just not enough time spent with them to get to know them at all.

now back to lydia, i actually wrote an essay for my gender studies class about how lydia and her place in the story is so misogynistic. im not gunna share the whole essay because it's a lot, but it basically boils down to the fact that lydia's entire character revolves around carl. we barely get to see her relationships or thoughts about any other survivors (a rare exception is with sophia, where lydia is shown to be jealous of her relationship to carl.) even when she opens up about her struggles and problems they are still made about carl, where his reaction is the focus so he can tell her how wrong it is and we never look into how this affected her again. while fighting the whisperers she has a comment about how the hilltop is her home, but we havent exactly seen her grow here so it feels pretty hollow. finally, in issue 193, the finale of the series set 25 years later, we get to see Lydia one last time. The thrilling conclusion to her story? She and Carl broke up sometime in the timeskip and he got with Sophia. Lydia is married to a random background character who we see maybe once in the last page after she tries to seduce Carl so Kirkman can write another monologue about how “the world is different now and I know better than you!”. By the end of the series, it’s clear that, to Robert Kirkman, Lydia’s very promising character was never anything except background noise for Carl Grimes’ story. 

I think sophia's story also has a lot of similar problems to lydia's but this post has gotten really long so i might come back to that some other time.

i have more critiques (mostly about the misogyny and racism the story has) but it's been a while since ive read twd and this is really long so this is good for now. also to be clear, i dont think the walking dead comics are all bad, i just have had this series and my thoughts on it's flaws stewing in my brain for like over a year. hope this was a good answer.

[soleillunne]

OKAY OKAY SO!! do you have any book recs?? i want to get back into reading, it feels like i've mostly been focused on writing these days

i have a bunch but most are fantasy!

the folk of the air trilogy - holly black

enemies to friends-ish to enemies to lovers, mc is a badass and the li is so in love (hes also a menace but mc kinda covers that lmao)

this is a 3 book series with a new series that just dropped that happens after the events of these 3 books

the order is: the cruel prince, the wicked king, the queen of nothing, stolen heir (the new book) but there are also books you can read in between (that i havent read myself)

by far the best book series ive read, i would sell my soul to read it again for the first time

circe - madelline miller

this is a story about circe, a godess (i think) from greek myth. the writing was beautiful, but since its myth, if youre not interested i dont reccomend

(same goes w song of achilles by the same writer)

shadow and bone & six of crows - leigh bardugo

(this one has a two season series on netflix too if youre interested)

shadow and bone - 3 books;

mc is so op honestly, she discovers magical powers early in the book and finds out shes grisha (ppl that have magical powers), but not just any grisha, shes a legend grisha, one of a kind

i dont really remember who she ends up with as its been a while since i read the books but one li is an ass while the other gives golden retriever vibes and i didnt like either of them /lh

six of crows - 2 books;

now listen, i didnt actually read these two books but in the tv show the two series are shown at the same time and i like the characters in this one more

badass gang, thats it. (look more info pls dont trust me)

the kane chronicles - rick riordan

percy jackson is so famous people forget this absolute gem right here.

the idea is the same as percy jackson, except this time its about egyptian gods instead (also techically mc isnt a child of the gods)

it has 3 books, with extra crossover books w pjo (that are also really good once you have the basics)

the midnight library - matt haig

i'm actually not sure what category this falls into.

mc has an accident and ends up at a library at exactly midnight, where the weird librarian tells her that this library is her life (of sorts). basically each book in the library is how her life couldve been like based on some decisions she made

and she keeps going to these other versions of her life by reading the books until she realizes hey, she wants to live, and goes back to her original life

not my favorite, but still an okay one

dune - frank herbert

this is a classic, but it was really good

i dont remember the details, all i really remember was that i had sth for the mc

fr tho its really good, give it a go if long books dont intimidate you

as for books to get into reading again, hmmm

cries okay so dont get mad but the cruel prince got me out of a reading slump

momo - michael ende

this book is so well written istg

mc is a child, first of all. and i dont mean like a teen i mean shes 8 max, shes a literal child but its okay bc there isnt that much action in this one

the main idea of the book is about how precious time is, but its told through such an interesting way. there are time thieves that steal other people's time to live, making it look like theyre helping people save time on mundane things, and momo stops them (not in an insane way i promise)

the secret garden - frances hodgson burnett

this is a classic, but dont let that fool you this is a really well written book

this one has almost no action in it btw

mc is also a child here (shes maybe 12 at most), she moves into the mansion of her uncle after her family dies where she starts to behave like an actual child instead of some spoiled princess/lh

so one day while going on a stroll in the garden area (?) bc no one is there to take care of her now, she finds a secret garden and decides hey since no one seems to care for this garden, this is mine now

also there are other children that she befriends along the way that help her w the garden

def recommend

extra;

anne of green gables (this is so long honestly i ended up just watching the series bc the fact that its 8 books intimidated me at the time - ill get to it eventually)

miss peregrines home for peculiar children (also same as above - i loved the concept tho and ill read it eventually)

percy jackson - a classic

Jayden's Rescue & Old Scroll - vladimir tumanov (these are techincally chrildrens books but theyre also great books so)

[arqdyke]

OH WOW you're still awake hiii!! one more then while i have the chance. also so honored to have an entire tag now. that has to be an accomplishment. and!!! 👀 what niche rarepair pls i will bite at anything 👀👀

i cannot remember what else i was going to say so i'll just follow that too. op is sooooo friendly to multiship and rare ships because all of the characters no matter how minor are so interesting. it's fun to fling two people together as a concept and figure out how they would interact. (even not romantically even!! just two dudes would they be mortal enemies would they be chill? would they be besties for life??)

case in point! i got into op already knowing of a law ship, and after i read dressrosa, that ship solidified in my mind. but!! i caught up to op during zou :) which, in my mind, was the height of sabo/law popularity. so my first ship for sabo was actually with law! crazy how things work out. so much time has passed that i don't hardly even think about them anymore.

ohhh wait i know what i wanted to say now. favorite aus for fic?? any you would love to see in acesabo fic? if i know of any, i'll grab one for you ;)

hi!! i am in fact awake!!! i wanted to write more for my exchange fic bc ive just started recovering from been sick the past few days and havent rlly had the chance. but i ended up putting it off until like 12am LOL. under the cut again i talk . a lot.

its fun you mentioned sabolaw because. the 'pair' in question for the au is actually ichiji/sabo/law. no i dont know why my brain latched onto this. yes im still kind of obsessed with it. the social media aspect of my shipfic is a lot about ichiji & the transition from being a child star (alongside his siblings) to a more casual internet ministardom. theres court drama bullshit. theres fangirl law. all three of them are transfem. its really special to me.

also YEAH EXACTLY!!! to your rarepair thoughts. in every fandom im in im a huge sucker for rarepairs that seem like complete nonsense. throw those characters whove never met into a room and LOCK IT! not always romantically yeah but honestly its a lot easier to like . find content of niche pairs through ship names than just trying to sift through a million posts in their maintags. tumblr wise, at least. i actually have a sideblog thats been since sort of abandoned dedicated to finding as much niche rarepair content for two characters (not always with each other, just those two in general).

a fun thought exercise ive done a few times also is getting a nice randomizer of characters im familiar with for a fandom and using it to pick out a few ships to figure out how theyd interact/if i could make a shipfic out of them. sometimes they click sometimes they dont but its a fun way to explore characters imo

whats ur fav lawship nowadays if you dont mind :3? i like a looot for him ill admit but im not particularly committed to any. as with the multishipper way. and thats fair (on the sabolaw bit)... first ships dont always last super long. they sure are fun to think back too tho ^_^

my favorite aus for fic... oh god thats a tough one. i already mentioned modern aus and this ones sort of a tangent off niche topic focus's BUT. fics that are set in a specific career (especially doctor aus & lawyer aus but genuinely i just rlly like looking at niche little details of someones career.) see also hobby focused aus! like uhh. gymnastics. ice skating. just stuff like that idk. and aus that are focused around like.. movie tropes/genres. crime noir detective aus, slasher horror aus.. especially fun when theres a spin on the original tropes but when you can see how much love someone has for the og concept is when it rlly shines.

none of those are super specific tho. um. i have a soft spot for superhero aus even when theyre really bad. fantasy aus are trickier but when they hit they hit rlly nice. (trying really hard to think ummm) thats about all i can think of rn? but it is pretty late so im for sure forgetting some.

NOW. as for acesabo specifically.. first off if you have any fic ud especially recommend id love to read them regardless of the tropes/ships/whatever. but. acesabo aus.. ohhhgh. i dont know!! ive read a lot of really cute modern aus with them. and im not USUALLY into soulmate aus flat out but i could really love a good acesabo soulmate au. it just suits them. theyre both characters i enjoy seeing as cute girls quite a bit. its kind of unfortunate im not really a fan of either of them as trans guys bc there is SO MUCH transmasc ace stuff out there. sorry my guy you have my name i cant live like that. all respects to people who do like that tho! i like them nonbinary multigendering it up . sometimes transfem sometimes just.. trans. sorry this is not the point.

aus... aus... shakes my head around. OH i would LOVE to see a roleswap with them. ive thought abt that before and its kinda beautiful. i do also love a good polyship with them both! what elseeee. oh i didnt mention it earlier when we were talking tropes but political drama bullshit is soooo fucking good. for acesabo also! but im pickier with them with it bc i feel like it tends to get too whumpy/focused on misery. which isnt rlly my thing personally. gotta be a careful balance. i like aus where theyre both in the same 'group'; being both revolutionaries or both pirates or whatever.

i hope this actually answers your question lol i realize i went on a bit... but yeah. have a nice night if youre headed offline urself ^_^! ill be on for a while longer likely but i take so long to write these asks it might be pointless

[awesomehoggirl]

OMFFG ok i foudn this and i know its only november but heres my updatez

i did this :3 but it has gotten too cold so i joined the regular gym and i have an induction tomorrow im excited!!

did this successfully :D

didnt finish it but put it on the backburner and finished a lot of other stuff

i did not write a play, became uninterested in plays. i wrote some very short fake screenplays though

i did not publish any poetry except for on the internet because i got into short stories and was focused on writing those instead

i havent done this yet D: still shy but i set a reminder to sign up for the december issue and im really really really gonna try and do it. i started a fucking radio show though so theres that LOL

i started meds for The Fear and i feel loads better :)

when was i ever doing this? i love to respond

i stay pestering LOL literally just kicked 2 people out of the group project we were assigned bc they werent showing up

have not handed in a single one late!!! and i got a really great overall final grade for my first year :)

i kept tutoring and also started volunteering at a local theatre doing bar, cafe and steward work! hoping to do some more bar and cafe work over xmas in my hometown

i definitely wrote more! read a few new books too but scrolling is still suuuch a problem ewww

i got really good at doing this. 'stay in your own lane' has become my actual mantra LOL. i had a terrible moment of my ocd getting really bad again in september so it hasnt been linear but ive gotten over that hill again. i have confidence in myself and my own mind and direction, and i trust my own values and judgement. this has been incredibly helpful for me

this last one... another mantra. remembering this has been so so important. i just started a journal where i revisit my week every sunday and outline a few points of gratitude and a few lessons (rather than high points and low points) and it's helped me to consider life's ups and downs in the long run, especially as a major overthinker

i know the year's not over yet and it's only november but i'm really in a much, much better place than i was this time last year. everything is far from perfect but i'm motivated, i'm organised, i have my shit together, my grades are good, i'm eating balanced food and exercising, i have an awesome new group of friends, i have my radio show, i'm talking to someone (wowww) and i feel i have an actual place in my community. i'm really happy with my appearance and my personal style. my writing has improved so much and i've gotten some lifechanging feedback and wonderful praise from one of my new professors. Basically I'm fucking balling

yk what. i never made smaller new years resolutions just one big one so here are my small ones for the books

- start swimming once or twice a week again

- fix my sleep schedule (urgent)

- finish the thing im writing which is sucking up a lot of time

- write a new play

- publish some poetry

- write an article for the newspaper STOP being shy

- get over the Fear and book further therapy

- stop airing peoples messages

- pester my professors more

- turn in all my assignments at least one day before the deadline

- get a job. it can be tutoring if i cant find any but preferably something that requires working with other people and going outside

- scroll less. read and write more

- stop caring about what other people are doing. stop judging my life by other peoples standards. they are not me we are different entirely there is no crime in taking a different path in life

- stop stressing so much over mistakes and make an effort to a. always learn from them b. make better art because of them

[fereldenshero]

Bucks been through a lot of physical shit but he never had any emotional trauma. There was times like the red episode, the Daniel storyline, and Buck telling Eddie he wishes it was him that got shot that hint that Buck might be dealing with some deeper mental issues, but then these issues always end up being completely solved by one pep talk from Eddie or Maddie at the end of the episode and are never mentioned again

boy oh boy, this sure is one of the opinions ever! let us go through all the reasons why i disagree, shall we?

first off, i want to preface this by saying that im extremely behind on the show. like, the last season i fully watched was season 3. the only episodes from season 4 that ive seen are s4e4 and s4e5 (ive been a buck girl since 2018, idk what to tell ya) and then ive also seen a few gifs from s4e14. plus, i havent seen any full episodes in a long ass time. so when i mention specific events that happened in the show, i could either be totally misremembering or just straight up not know what happened. okay? okay! (im also putting this under a read more bc it got a bit long thumbsup)

so first off, i dont. fully agree with him going through "a lot of physical shit". there could be instances that happened in s4 or s5 that im just not aware of yet, but as far as i know, the only instances of physical trauma came from him getting his leg crushed in s2e18. personally, i lump in his broken leg, pulmonary embolism, and the severe cut he got during the tsunami episodes as kind of one instance since they all happened due to one incident, but youre more than free to separate them if youd like. even then, thats not a whole lot ? i mean, it is quite a bit for a regular person to go through, but for a tv show character in a show thats lasted for 5+ seasons, it doesnt Feel like a lot. if there are any other instances where hes gotten hurt that im missing, totally feel free to let me know, but thats all im aware of

"he never had any emotional trauma." okay. well first off, dont you think that serious physical injuries would lead to a lot of emotional trauma? especially something like, oh, i dont know, getting your entire leg crushed underneath a firetruck? i feel like that would have some lasting effects on a person. second off, you just. proceeded to list off things that definitely indicate Something? im not quite sure what "the red episode" is, but the daniel storyline is definitely going to fuck with him for a while, plus seeing one of your closest friends get shot, is. well thats gonna stick with you. theres also no indication that hes not still dealing with the aftermath of those instances. just because we're not actively seeing him say "this thing happened to me, and it was bad and still sticks with me" doesnt mean that those things didnt happen and werent bad and werent still effecting him. theres also no indication that after speaking with maddie and eddie, that he was magically cured or that their "pep talks" fixed everything. im not sure about the specifics about the one with eddie, but i know that with maddie, talking with her most definitely didnt fix anything. if anything, it just. helped him a bit. it didnt magically fix him, it didnt make everything all better. all it did was help him with understanding that hes not broken or unloved and that shes always there for him. just because they havent been explicitly brought up since they happened, doesnt mean theyre not still effecting buck to this day. from my understanding, season 5 has been more focused on maddie (+ chimney as well i think) and eddie, so it makes sense that they havent expanded on those specific events yet. the 911 writers dont strike me as the type of tv writers to just. forget character development theyve done. im sure theyll bring everything that they need to bring up, when they need to. 911 is a show about patience - us as the audience always have to wait to see what happens, and how they get brought back up.

[anarchy-in-the-vent-blog]

creating this at the behest of a friend who may or may not just want to stop listening to me. cannot entirely blame them as i wouldnt want to listen to me either always complaining but it really piles onto my feeling that im not that close to anybody. today, and i dont know if this is what im really upset about or just a broken shoelace, i lost a writing contest over a script that i've been working on and off on for about a year. i did not expect to win necessarily, but the year before this i was a finalist in the same contest with a script i had spent only a few days on. im pretty devastated rn. i thought this would be a chance to get a foot in the door of professional comics, or at least a big ego boost, and i got fucking nothing after months and months and months of work and honing this story. i cant even think of anything i should have done differently, my story was good my presentation was incredible there were fewer contestants this year than last year i went the extra mile and threw in an entire edited polished script along with my pitch document and pitch video, i did a fucking somersault at the beginning just to get these anglo fucks' attention and i got nothing. this creative shit isnt working out at all. ever since i was a kid i just wanted to be some kind of artist, the particulars changed every couple of years. i wanted to be a novelist for a while, a filmmaker, a musician, blah blah fucking blah. ive been working the last two years writing short stories and comics, over and over, i spend countless nights just writing and editing and reading more so i can get better ideas and for fucking what. the short story market out there is abysmal. i cant even submit to most anthologies bc theyre so idpol focused that only 1/3 of them accept manuscripts from straight white guys, and the ones that do accept have only 1/2 a chance of responding to you at all when they reject you, and maybe 1/20 of the ones that send a rejection email actually give a reason why, even if a brief one. i've sent out about 100 submissions for a dozen or so stories in the last few years and i've only sold two to two of the smallest magazines that nobody's ever heard of. one of them went bankrupt immediately after the issue in which they horribly misprinted my story (1/3 of it got cut somehow "accidentally"), and the other one is a small run new zealand gimmick theme publisher that i actually lost money on just ordering myself a copy of. maybe it was a fucking scam, idk. but they only made $5. I've made less than $30 selling fiction unless that haunted doll counts and i'm fucking miserable. I'm keeping up other creative hobbies that are going nowhere too. I just finished and released an hour long album a few weeks ago that i put two fucking years of my life into planning, writing, recording, editing, re-recording, mastering, promoting. I've worked harder on this album than anything else i've ever actually released and i think maybe only 4 people in total have listened to it. My closest friends have given it a cursory glance. i dont make art entirely for attention but how the fuck am i supposed to keep going if im getting kicked in the ribs any time i put anything out. nobody ever reads my stories, when i get rejected i never find out why, nobody ever listens to my music. the joy of creating in itself is really slipping from me. nobody really cares about me. my friends keep insisting that they do but i dont know if they do much to show it. im an obvious third wheel half the time. my dad broke a 3 year sobriety. i swipe on bumble every day and havent gotten a like in weeks even though friends have told me that i look good. my grades are slipping. i'm out of work. i have no job prospects or any sort of prospects in general for the future. i haven't been in a relationship of any kind in almost two years. i havent been in a happy relationship since fucking high school. i have neither the time nor money for therapy. therapy has never worked for me in the past anyway. i am really considering suicide for the first time in a long while. i dont really

take any joy in anything anymore. even momentary physical pleasure like masturbating and eating unhealthy food feels like absolutely nothing. i feel scared all the time. i feel like im gonna get screamed at or beat up at any second, mostly from my dad but also from strangers. i feel like im always about to be verbally chastised by my friends. it kills me that i cant see things objectively, only from this shakey nervous point of view that i know is most of the problem. i cant help it. i dont know if ive forgotten how to socialize with people or if i never knew to begin with and im only losing my illusions now. i really dont feel like living. i havent felt good in years. not truly good, maybe not since i was 12. the last time i felt generally vaguely happy like everything was mostly okay was when i think i was 16. im never going to be a great artist. ill probably never have a girlfriend i actually care about. i find most people incredibly boring or cruel. ill never really know if my friends like me, or why they even tolerate me. im writing this while putting off an important essay i've barely started. my friends seem to get so much love and notoriety for the smallest artistic efforts. i feel too stupid to read whatever theory and manifestos it is i have to read in order to make things like they do for the people they do, but i dont even want that for myself. i just want to write comic books and short sci-fi stories and im too fucking retarded or hopeless to even do that for an audience larger than myself. im really really fucking hopeless, i really dont want to keep living if this is all life is. i have no reason to believe that there is anything else. most people cant stand to be around me and i dont like myself either, i cant stand being in the same body with me, i hate having to think my thoughts. i hate being stuck inside myself. i think im going to cry again. i guess ill put off the rest of this important essay for tomorrow and collect my B- with all the other fucking midwit nobodies.

[seijch]

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

[moonav]

Tagged by the sweetest @happyendingsong aaa thank you so much😆😆💖💖💖

5 songs currently on repeat

• dark side - blind channel, our esc entry this year and i rly like it 😆 takes me back to middle school haha😆 i think we might have a chance of getting to the finals this year but like lol ppl always say that and we rarely ever do 😹😹 2019 esc had every nordic country except us so :/ but im wishing the band so much luck, at least we are not sending a boring ballad 😆💕💕

• el diablo - elena tsagrinou, another esc song, this time from cyprus 🥰 super catchy pop song, sorta reminds me of lady gaga a bit? 😆i havent listened to the live performance of it just yet, i want to save that for the semis 😆 i hope it’s a good show c’:

• fallen angel - TIX, okay last esc song on the list and like the singer himself said, it might not be everyones cup of tea but i kinda like it 😆 sorta generic pop song but hey, i like pop so 😆 im kinda sad that keiino wasnt chosen to represent Norway this year bc spirit in the sky shouldve won esc 2019!!!!!! But TIX’ live vocals are so good and omg i love the costumes so esc-esque (haha😆) i absolutely loved how he switched from english to norwegian during one of the live performances and i rly rly hope he does that in the semis too 🥰

• you belong with me - taylor, yea i like taylors music a lot c’: i started listening to her around 2014 or so, so like most of her older stuff is still new to me, im rly excited for the rest of taylors versions 🥰 the song is very much ’im not like the other girls’ type of song and thats rly cringey but it’s still too catchy im sorry 😆😆😆

• one last kiss - hikki, aaa her newest song and it’s so so so good 😭💖💖💖💖 it was released a while ago but i still put it on a repeat a lot, i could never get tired of her music 😭💕💕💕 also the newest remix of ’beautiful world’ is so hauntingly beautiful, i love listening to kind of a new version of an older classic 💕🥰

last movie you watched

• i think it still was my rewatch of howls moving castle in like february???? 😹 i dont watch movies that often anymore, more shows and youtube c’: bit easier, ive been having a hard time of focusing on anything tbh 😩 (shhdjdjdkd i say this but then i watch youtube video essays that are hours long 😆)

currently watching

• sarah z’s homestuck video 😹😹 all my years online ive never understood what homestuck is about or anything about it rly so maybe ill know after im done with the video 😹 (tho im about halfway there and im still very confused 😹)

currently reading

• not yet but i should start reading color theory/other art books just in case any of the schools i applied to choose my portfolio for the entrance exams 😭🤞 oh also im rereading coraline by neil gaiman 🥰 i used to read tons of books but i havent been able to do that in ages thanks to my health ugh but im hoping that by rereading old favs, it’d be easier to get back into it 🥰

im tagging @ventusu @angelnamine @thekingdomofourhearts @floreil @viviun @nebuvoid @pichiblossom and everyone else who sees this and wants to do this!!🥰 and of course, only do this if you want to, no pressure at all!!😆💕💕

[mychemicalaromanticism]

things ive already established r on this post

besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri

okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.

so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.

i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.

anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.

anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.

he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao

to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.

so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.

OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.

and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.

when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.

i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.

back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.

she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.

cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.

they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.

i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.

welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz

post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3

not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him

THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk

[houseki-no-suffering]

Pssst.... gush about some thing you’ve wanted to for so long but haven’t found the ask to do so! I really like reading your metas or off-the-wall posts.

aw ty!

mmmh usually i just crank out a random meta when i feel like it, which i havent had the energy to do in a while. so have a lot of hcs about gem language, gem society and how it resembles a totalitarian system cause why not, this is already a dystopia. 

goes from cute to shady real quick, have fun

Gem Vocabulary

gems have no gender, they dont age, they dont reproduce. the whole vocabulary about relationships, aging and sex must be completely different in gem language. they probably lack a lot of words we commonly use, and have unique words for things we dont have (like winter duty, patrol duty... i wouldnt be surprised if gem language had unique grammatical features for those)

this is one of the reasons why its so unfair of aechmea to call cairn ‘wife’ and ‘princess.’ the gems have no concept of wife-ness, we dont know if a gem equivalent of marriage exists, but its definitely much, much different from what the lunarians (and us) perceive as one.

do gems have anything akin coming of age? this could be weird bc gems can potentially live forever, but they can also be abducted by the lunarians at any time, so who’s to say how long a lustrous will live? how do you calculate being ‘of age’? is it by calculating the average life-span of a gem? 

how do they measure time and seasons? we know they have winter and summer and phos mentions ‘spring’ in chapter 20, but what about months and lunar phases? do they have words for that or are months just too small a timeframe for the immortal lustrous to utilize? how do they measure time? in hours and seconds? weeks? different units altogether?

Gem Relationships

similarly, gem relationships are codified in a completely different way. we know they have a concept of romance bc dia ships phos and shinsha and makes comments here and there about other gems being in love. 

at the same time, the relationships btw alexandrite and chrysoberyl, padpa and rutile, ghost/cairn and lapis etc are little different from ‘pure’ sibling/sibling relationships or senpai/kohai relationships.

this is not to say that they’re all romantic in nature, but the way they’re codified in canon (especially in the way the characters grief for their partner) makes me think that even if the gems have no blood/physical kinship with one another they have a very articulated system of establishing family bonds.

dia and bort are clearly siblings, but the same can’t be said, for example, for rutile and padpa, even if they were partners and even if they display a similar junior/senior relationship. this means that relationships are predicated on something else in hnk, and kinship, family and romance are all codified in a different way.

think of vulcans in star trek: physical contact such as two fingers touching, holding hands and kissing is unknown of (save for very specific circumstances). and vulcan people have a completely different way of expressing intimacy and romance than humans. 

this makes me think: just how many canonically romantic relationships are there in hnk (if any) that we’re simply unaware of bc the way gems codify and express romance is so different from ours? is romance even common? rare? perceived as weird? useless? 

what about other relationships? the gems use ‘little brother/ older brother’ but what if this is just japanese approximations? what kind of relationships can lustrous language really express and how different are they from ours?

Imagination

as @ruddy-rutile​ pointed out some time ago, the gems lack a concept of fantasy. thats why i posted that panel about alex’s original lunarian designs. sure, it’s funny, but it also makes you think: these gems are not raised to think outside the box and they can do it without being told so only under exceptional circumstances.

of the vast library of texts that ghost (and lapis) used to take care of, just how many are novels and fiction? none of them? a small amount? a decent amount? in a society thats as focused on practicality, efficiency and conservatism as the lustrous���, how is fiction perceived if perceived at all? 

is there art? red beryl’s craft comes very close to art when they express their feelings about ‘fashion for fashion’s sake,’ but it’s an exception that the other gems find hard to grasp.

phos is often told to stop fantasizing about the world and get things done, the only tale we know the gems are told is the actual story of how their world came to be. the gems always talk about real things, stuff that happened, and make and do things that have a practical use. 

even bort’s jellyfish diary is just made up of a recollection of what happened when they tried to feed them. still, the fact that bort names the jellyfish makes you think that these rocks do have potential for fantasy, theyre just not used to it

Totalitarianism and Privacy

to make this even more shady, here’s your gentle reminder that:

- gems’ rooms have no doors. the only door ive been able to find is the one in shinsha’s room (ch 2) and that is because shinsha’s room is closed off to other people and full of mercury. its like putting a patch on smth you dont want to deal with (much like shinsha’s whole character arc tbh)

- the gems have little to no free time. or their free time can be revoked any time in case an emergency occurs, sensei is napping etc. the gems’ time is rigorously managed by jade, euc and sensei. each gem has a place to be and a time to be.

this means that a missing gem can be found at all times and slackers can be identified very easily. they all have a job and they have to follow it. this is not to say that they have no fun ever, but leisure time is rare and (at least as far as we know) its not contemplated when tasks are assigned each day.

the mere fact that there is a morning assembly and tasks are assigned each day makes you think. is this communism? is this totalitarianism? but most importantly, is this a scary dystopia that hits you in the face like a brick the third time you reread ch 2?   

- sameness > equality. i already went over this in the past. gems society underlines sameness and conformity over anything else. the gems think theyre equal but theyre actually ‘similar.’

a system based on equality emphasizes differences so that every individual can do the best with what they have got and get back what they need, according to their personal needs. 

these gems emphasize sameness: everyone is upheld to the same standards, even when those standards dont match with a gem’s unique characteristics (ie phos cannot be a fighter, no reason to keep saying stuff like ‘if only you were stronger/you’re useless’ etc. they’re a rock with an imagination in a world where dull reality is the rule. just make them write theater plays and play with slugs with shinsha, wth)

It’s real 1984 hours:

all of the above means that:

- your sense of self is subordinated to the group. if you dont belong you’re simply a nothing. at times, the gems almost display a collective consciousness (a pretty hostile one too): everything must be decided together and done together

- you are what you do. gems identify completely with their job. thats why a job is so important, thats why this system is so fucked up. self worth is not inherent, it depends on what you can do. talk about a breeding ground for mental health issues 

- you dont have a saying in picking your career or deciding for you future. thats up to sensei (and maybe euc and jade). unless you have a very strong affinity with a certain task (like red beryl and alex)

- youre expected to follow orders all the damn time. no matter how much sensei wants his gems to exert free will, they still prefer to do what theyre told. ill admit, its much easier than taking your life in your hands and decide what youre gonna do with it, but damn if it isnt depressing. and childish

- euclase and sensei are the authority. sensei and euc are the powers that be. in the sense that they assign tasks, they decide on times and battle plans, on purpose etc. lets not forget that euc was the one to take on sensei’s role after he ‘resigned.’ 

i wonder what would happen if euc were abducted and the gems had no one to follow anymore, no orders. who’d be the new leader? would there be one? lets not forget that no matter how gentle euc is, phos is shit scared of them.

- thought police is a thing. to end this meta on what is probably the shadiest note: surveillance is a thing. the gems report on each other, it’s thought police, no sugarcoating this. 

there’s no privacy, no secrets. even antarc reads rutile’s diary. this goes from cute and childish (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’) to absolutely fucked up (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’)

[faemen]

Hello. Do you have any series or game recommendations? I've been making a list of things I plan to start recently. I'm open to pretty much anything. If you don't have any, though, that's fine and understandable.

honestly? i think we share all of the same fandoms so i have,,, no idea

ayakashi akashi, i feel like you mightve played this but putting it anyways bc lot of people havent and it is VERY underrated. its also incomplete but the premise and art so far is,,, so good cannot recommend it enough. similar to yttd in terms of how the story/gameplay works out!!

start genshin impact and identity v if you havent already,,,, while they are gameplay focused, the lore is pretty good too. only issue is you cant really watch playthroughs BUT ALSO if you join the na servers for either im open to adding!!

hmmm. i started little nightmares recently and thats pretty good? along with that, cube escape is suuuuch a classic. its browser playable too and the plotline, while kinda sorta messed up, is really fun to crack :] a fun quick ten or so minute play through is that one ab anxiety being an animal;; cant remember the name atm but i doodled it a long time ago

anime/manga wise i dont actually read or watch much, but PLEASE check out erased (the town where only i am missing)! its got a really interesting idea to it. orange is really emotional, i personally read the manga,,, OH and relife is another one ive finished actually!! it ends a bit too romantically for my tastes but the idea behind that one is also really fascinating and i enjoyed it^^

feel free to ask further on any, these are just brief summaries but im always open to spoiler free ramble about mechanics. and remember to check tws as always :]] thanks for the ask!!

[flyingcookierambles]

study plans?

recently i feel like my friend going to japanese college has motivated me to try to start studying japanese again. plus some spontaneous chinese here and there, more vocab/pronunciation/tone focused rather than grammar right now.

ended up a kinda long ramble lol, ill cut it up into two pieces.

i literally do daily: 1 duolingo so the owl doesnt hunt me down like the weak prey i am (any language)

i try to do once a day: 1 or 2 anki decks for vocab. for japanese i use many: JLPT N4, Genki 1 & 2 Including Genki Supplementary Vocab,  Core 2k/6K Optimized Japanese Vocabulary, 2500 Most-Used kanji. For Chinese I use the HSK level 1/2/3 word list. these are seperate, just a pain to type lol. i dont use wanikani actually lol. the renaming of radicals annoyed/confused me, who was forced to learn the names of the very proper strokes in high school chinese lol. plus having no assessment test and having to start over from the very beginning and then getting the simplest kanji wrong because i remember the radical by its shape or a stroke by its proper chinese name and not a silly american name (no i did not learn this character is actually wearing a hat or a pot lid. thats weird.), i just got kinda annoyed and went back to simple anki flashcards lol.

3-4 times a week: going over 2-4 grammar concept from genki 2 so far. partly because when i was studying with my 2 friends over the summer we were doing a cramming thing for our friend to to get up to standards of the college they were transferring to, now attending. as a result, we uhh. kinda skipped over basically all vocab. only did the grammar, and sometimes not even all the grammar. we skipped over really simple stuff (ie the volitionary form which is just slapping a ~ou/おう at the end of things) and the stuff that was just -te form + some extra words. so i’m finally properly going over that stuff in full, alone. plus im rewriting/digitizing my notes in onenote bc pencil and pen kinda smear/fade over time so this will just be better if i want to go to my notes for reference in the future. the ease of searching by control+f is also nice compared to flipping thru pages in confusion. i also feel like my learning style is def repetitive related, so going over things a second time works for me. (for japanese im using using genki 2/the genki 2 track on bunpro.jp. (this website is incredible and for the most part free. even if you want the premium sub version, the cheapest sub plan is $2 a month! while i dont have it, i did do the free trial when i first signed up and it was ok and you can totally do the free version and get all the barebones japanese grammar explanations from like 4 different textbooks) when/if i ever finish genki 2, ill just check out the minna no nihongo track on bunpro, more to see if there’s any grammar that gets covered in that one that genki doesnt have. if they’re just the same but a different order or something, ill just move on to the tobira track since its the intro to real intermediate japanese grammar.) i might check out the free textbook irodori, more out of curiosity than seriousness honestly. iroiro uses a different fluency grading system than the common JLPT N5-1 levels, iroiro uses the Common European Framework of Reference for Languages: Learning, Teaching, Assessment, or CERFL. Since im focusing on the JLPT N level standards and these are totally different curriculums and stuff, im not sure how helpful irodori will be to me at this point but ill look at it because its a free textbook. when i try to relearn chinese again ill dig out my integrated chinese textbooks (goodreads), only intermediate since i seem to have lost my beginner editions somewhere in my house between moving from college dorm to house every summer ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . i might check out the all set learning site, it seems to both HSK and CERFL. ill probably review the HSK 1-2 stuff real quick since thats basically what i learned in high school/college and i kinda forget a lot since its been like 6 years now. then ill maybe hopefully finally get to HSK 3. ill try to watch videos from yoyochinese on youtube too. she explains things really clearly and helpfully to native english speakers in a way that my previous teachers havent been able to. ill stick to the youtube tho since ive heard that the actual courses from her website are very expensive for online self study tho, and purchasing a regular textbook would be cheaper lol. 

once a week: try to use words from anki decks + whatever grammar i learned in practice sentences/make up sentences yourself. this is a bit hard bc since im self studying if my sentences end up wrong/sounding awkward to a native speaker i am not really sure how to check lol. i’m on polyglot.city (a mastodon instance focused on language learning/blogging) and i post there sometimes and people have helped me/rated my sentences every now and then but recently its been very slow. (japanese, altho i hope that i regain enough of my mandarin skills to do this again sometime)

every 2 weeks: after accumulating grammar for a bit, i try to read a grade/language level appropriate short story in the language. (hint: the level of a toddler probably lol.) for japanese i started using satori reader, altho other short story apps exist. for chinese there’s du chinese and tcb/the chairman’s bao. honestly i use du chinese just because im too lazy to make an account for tcb, altho i may finally make an account and use it one day. one day..... (japanese and chinese)

for japanese i just want to get to tobira right now and then long term is simply reaching what is probably jlpt n3, the typical not quite fluent but still ok enough to conduct business or ask a native speaker for help in a convenience store. kinda eh, a good middle intermediate level. from that point, i should be ok enough to try to read a YA novel. no not a light novel (might try it tho) but like a regular novel for middle schoolers. or maybe doremon? ill see where it goes from there. i hope to at least be able to understand some of the things an average person would like a weather forecast on the nhk or a short newspaper article. maybe ill take the actual jlpt test someday.....not sure how to sign up/where to find it in my city tho....

for chinese, i just want to know more vocab and improve my tones/pronunciation right now. 

[vincent-frankenstein]

different anon, but heck yeah u should definitely infodump about lucid dreaming!! im really interested in it

aaaaa okay !!! uh hold onto ur ears yall im abt to talk em off lmao

so !! if u didnt know, lucid dreaming is basically when you become aware that you’re dreaming while youre in a dream. once you’re aware, you can take control of the dream in literally any way u want — u can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, all with the knowledge that nothing can hurt u and nothing can stop u

its a fascinating concept and, the feeling when u actually become lucid for the first time? its better than anything else in the world. its the most invigorating thing u can ever feel, i think. but actually becoming lucid is, ,, , , hm. a time and a half. 

putting the rest under a cut bc, hooooo boy this is gonna get long

first things first! you absolutely have to keep a dream journal. forgetting ur dreams is all well and good when ur not trying to accomplish anything in them, but if you become lucid and then wake up with only the vaguest memory of what you actually did? thats painful.

u can either go all out and get a fancy journal and write them down physically each morning, or u can do what i do and just download an app. i personally use the app Dream Catcher, which lets u tag ur dreams for easy organization. just get in the habit of writing down your dreams every morning, and if you really, really cant remember anything, just write down that you didnt dream anything that day. you’ll train your brain to remember your dreams better

secondly! reality checks! are absolutely imperative! the idea behind them is that, if you do something throughout the day that “proves” your reality, eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams as well. for example, a common thing in my dreams is that i’ll have extra fingers, so i check my hands a lot throughout the day. 

it can’t just be a casual thing, too. if all you do is glance at your hands and b like “yo looks normal, we gucci”, then you’ll do the same in your dreams even if you have Weird hands. trust me, Dream-You is an idiot, you gotta be obvious with this stuff. take a few moments, look at your hands, count out your fingers, and really think to yourself “am i dreaming?”

try to get in the habit of doing that at least 15 times a day, and eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams too. 

now, if you just stick with doing those two things — which is what i’m doing right now — your chances of becoming lucid will raise astronomically. even just those two tiny things can train your brain into realizing when the world around you is real and when it isnt. you can also attempt something really easy called a MILD — a mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream — which can help your chances even more without upping the effort 

whenever you go to bed, just take a few moments — even just five minutes can help — and just. lay there. and think to urself, again and again “the next scene will be a dream” or “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” or something similar. get ur brain really focused on lucid dreaming right before you fall asleep and chances are, those Vibes will bleed over into ur dreams and you’ll become lucid

practice those three things consistently, every day, and pretty soon you’ll start becoming lucid. it takes time, though! dont be discouraged if you end up not becoming lucid for the first few weeks, or even months. sometimes your brain just needs a bit of extra training

that’s what ive been doing for the past year or so — bc damn do i Not have the energy to actually put in too much effort — but!!! there are other techniques!!

my personal favorite is the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method. with this technique, you set your alarm for roughly 5-6 hours after you go to sleep so you’ll wake up inside of one of your REM cycles, specifically one where your dreams will be the most vivid. dont do anything, just roll over and go right back to sleep. 

you can even use a MILD along with this, repeat whatever mantra u usually use as you fall back asleep. you should start to see hypnagogic imagery — blobs of color and vague shapes floating before your eyes. just observe them. at one point, they’ll start forming more familiar shapes, and places, and maybe even people — and there should be a moment, a snap, where you go from observing these images to actually being in the scene. you literally build the dream around yourself, its magical

i have read that WBTB can cause sleep paralysis, but i’ve never personally experienced any problems with it, aside from the fact that im always tired the next day.

another thing that could severely increase your chances of being lucid but also involves Effort — meditation. specifically mindfulness meditation. the act of bringing full awareness to your Existence, honing in on just Your body, Your mind, Your breath, will make you a more aware, mindful person, which in turn makes you more perceptive of dream signs. also, the ability to clear your mind and center yourself with a moment’s notice really comes in handy when the dream becomes destabilized and you have to take control

if ur an adhd lad like me — or neurodivergent in any way, really — the idea of meditation can be,,,, terrifying. honestly, i havent meditated in like six months now, because it really wasnt?? doing anything for me?? mostly because im absolutely incapable of sitting still for that long without Something to stimulate me

so! loophole! guided meditations. having someone else guide you through the process can make it a bit easier to focus. just find one that works for u on youtube. there are even guided meditations made specifically to prime ur brain for lucid dreaming!

so thats how you get lucid. now for when youre lucid

at first, lucid dreaming is going to be extremely hard. dreams fall apart very easily — if you get too overexcited or if a dream-character looks at you the wrong way or if you cant seem to do what you want to do, your lucidity can fade and you’ll either go back to being your normal dream self or you’ll wake up. dreams are volatile and hard to control, and even harder to master

thats where meditation comes in handy. youll have a much easier time controlling your dreams if you can look at the world around you, take a breath, center yourself, and know that you can control it. that being said, you can absolutely learn to take control without ever having meditated a day in your life. its all about your mindset!

you have to go into it with confidence. the key to controlling your dreams is knowing that they’re your dreams. you cant forget that you’re in control. thats why i feel like learning to lucid dream doubles as a lesson in self-confidence — you have to learn to trust yourself, trust that you can handle any scenario thrown at you and come out on top.

if you can achieve this mindset, you can literally do anything. ive had maybe 50 lucid dreams since i started learning about them — which… is honestly a really low amount, but. i havent really had the time/energy to really throw myself into it  as much as i want to. but just in those dreams, ive flown, ive shapeshifted, ive met my sides, ive teleported to vast, gorgeous lands and seen some of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. anything is possible in a lucid dream; thats why its so worth it to put in the effort

but when youre first starting out, itll be extremely hard to maintain that mindset. like i said, Dream-you is dumb as shit — you’ll forget youre dreaming, you’ll be unable to control anything, you’ll wake up before you manage to accomplish anything. more often than not, the dream will destabilize, which is Not Fun

if the dream starts to destabilize — basically, if things start going fuzzy or vague, if you suddenly cant see, if you can feel ur body in bed, basically anything that points towards you waking up — there are ways to fix it. literally just spinning around helps for some reason? spin around, fall down, run ur hands along anything u can find and feel the texture, or just demand that the dream stabilize itself. most of the time, thatll work

and if it doesnt, dont be discouraged. theres always another night to dream

so basically: start a dream journal, do reality checks, mmmmaybe meditate if youre up for it, and your dreams will become like. at least 10x more interesting. trust me, try flying: its literally the best feeling in the entire world

its just !!! such a huge, incredible thing, and its so fascinating to learn about too. all the different ways you can train your brain, all the different things you can do, all the studies done on the subject. i suggest reading about Steven LaBerge or keith hearne. hearne led the study that proved lucid dreaming existed in the first place! he got a lucid dreamer to signal to him that he was conscious while asleep using REM (rapid-eye movement), because lucid dreaming happens during the REM state. also, robert waggoner’s book Gateway to the Inner Self is really fascinating too!

hm wow i really went ham here lmao

thanku for giving me a chance to infodump im very happy rn

[bungoustraypups]

inhales. my apologies for the um. accidental essay this became. i havent slept n i have feelings n ur feelings are simply so correct so i add:

bruh u literally hit on like. everything i been saying for sooooo long to my friends mostly (who agree tbh, bc i dont bother wasting time arguing w self-proclaimed “mori antis” here or on twitter or w ppl who are like “mori likers” is on their dni right next to terfs n fascists as if the two are even remotely close to being similar like bro get ur fuckin head on straight)

i have had to be very careful abt what bsd fics i choose to read, esp if they include skk as a romantic ship specifically and also include mori enough to have him as an ao3 tag and hes not there as a part of a ship (current, ongoing, romantic, and not past/broken up) w fukuzawa. and this is not solely bc i love fukumori as a ship/they r my biggest bsd otp and a comfort ship of mine lmfao. no. its generally bc ppl who ship soukoku and also ship/are ok w fukumori typically dont portray him as, at the absolute worst, any worse than he is or can reasonably be expected to act in canon. typically a lot of these fics are AUs anyway (i tend to personally read more AUs anyway bc i ADORE alternate takes on settings, on dynamics, on characters, on plot points, on events canon or otherwise, etc). like. good god my main contribution to the BSD fandom thus far n the thing im most invested in is a fucking next generation / fankid au ive spent an inordinate amt of time creating and developing n building lore for.

this is all to say: interpretations and depictions of characters which may not always be 100% true to canon, so long as there is a reasonable, understandable, either explicitly or implicitly present narratively explained reason within the story for them to be acting in that way, do not generally bother me. fics where everyone is happy n alive n living their best lives, bein silly, crackfics, chatfics, etc? bring me joy. i am fully aware that the portrayal i have for mori specifically, as hes the topic of this, as he is written within my (pride and joy which i love muchly) bungou stray pups canon-divergent next gen AU is not 100% faithful to canon. bc 1. i find writing that kind of thing in general boring, ive never liked doing this for as long as ive been writing fic online n posting it since age like. six. yeah, i was writing fic and posting it online on ff.net when i was about six lmfao shit was wild back then, and 2. the main like, Central Focal Point that this au focuses on? are next gens / fankids, aka children of existing canon characters and/or canons and OCs of mine within the BSD universe. and mori himself very much has children, with fukuzawa, so by virtue of that alone? i cant realistically portray him like. completely faithful to canon. bc that has not and will not happen in canon i can say that with 100% certainty lmfao. which is fine! its just. yknow. not a possibility. so while i take liberties, i have understandable reasons for doing so. BSPverse mori also has a detailed, extensive backstory which he does not currently have explained in canon (and if he ever does it is almost certainly not going to be anything like mine lmfao again thats fine i take pride in my works and interpretations i dont need them to be validated by canon at all. however ive had a lot of my friends/ppl who like my stuff be like “this portrayal of mori is so cool/my favorite/etc” and that never fails to make me softcore weepwave etc <3), and it involves events having occurred around and to him that affect how he reacts to certain things within the BSPverse. i am fully able to recognize this has no bearing on canon, which yknow, is not a big deal to me? but i also realize its means he, within this AU, is not 100% faithful to canon mori. whom i also love as a character, just differently. but like. its reasonably justified, and has a narrative reason within the story i have set up!

(unrelated note: i do not encourage ppl to like, be alright w this behavior nowadays btw i was actually s-xually abused online by adults as a child bc my parents abuse of me meant i got very good very quickly n at a very early age at hiding things including my online activities from them, which, if anything, should be like a huuuuge warning to parents to um. maybe dont abuse ur children lmao. dont scare them into “obeying” u bc then u get kids who end up like me aka mentally ill n traumatized from many different events all stemming from you <3 but i digress)

the reason i have problems and issues w ppl who portray mori in fics, typically like you (OP) said with romantic soukoku-centric fics, in the way described in the original post? is bc there is either like. literally no reason given for him to be like that outside of “the author doesnt like him or hates him or thinks (incorrectly, mind you, as this is a for some reason widespread fandom assumption that is so pervasive its gotten to the point where ppl will straight up harass, attack, and send death threats to/tell ppl who like mori to “kys” as if that is ever acceptable for any reason which it is not, but really? over a FAKE DUDE?) that he just loves s-xually abusing children or is openly/actively or otherwise interested in them in that way or seeks to gr--m children IN CANON, which has like never been supported w like any concrete canonical evidence btw but which they claim is 100% canon every time they bring mori up as if them saying it makes it true somehow. and bc they believe this, they turn him into this like. force of pure evil whose Main Goal in life is to harm little innocent children for no reason aside from his own self gratification.

like ok first of all if you are gonna like... write a fic, where u claim ur goal is to like. portray them as either close to canon as possible, or only using canon facts. but also you do this. im like. do the u who do this actually. like. hear/read what is being stated in the text on the paper in front of them. or are they simply like. letting their biases fandom-based or otherwise fill in the story as if its some kinda madlib game but with the canon material? and then just taking it as fact???? to the actual story???? i believe the skk-shipping tinted glasses ur wearing seem to have affected what u think canon actually is, and i suggest u remove them for a moment if ur gonna claim to try to be like. yknow. even a little bit faithful to canon portrayals/characterizations/personalities. like bro, if ur gonna write a portrayal that you KNOW is entirely ooc and in NO WAY rooted in the actual canon? go ahead! but for fuck’s sake stop lying about it to yourself and others holy fuck lmfao. thats all im asking.

and like. ok. i cannot stop ppl from writing what they want. nor will i ever try to do that. but like. most of these ppl dont just portray him in their works like this n Go. nah, they incessantly push the idea n belief n message that liking mori in any way is Never Okay and it is a sign of Depravity in anyone who does IRL and means that they are always ok with [insert whatever fucking evil act of heinous violence they feel like using today chosen via pickerwheel.com here] IRL in Every Case Without Question, and ppl who simply enjoy this character no matter how they do it, are inviting hatred and harassment bc why would a Good Moral Upstanding Person possibly enjoy this character? because i cannot see how someone may have a differing opinion, and i believe i am a good person who is always morally correct and good, that means anyone who Does enjoy this guy is Evil and Morally Wrong and Impure and thus deserves whatever i decide they deserve today!

and all of this. all of it. is based off of what is, more or less, a fan-held belief. which is not corroborated in a reliable manner in any way in the actual canon material. thats why i cannot engage in this shit at all. im tired of ppl trying to tell me that i am a bad person WHEN THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHO I AM. like i struggle enough w my mental health. i dont need these fucking dickwads who think theyre the Ultimate Judge of Fictional Morality And Whether Someone I Don’t Know Online Is Worthy Of Being Online Or Even Alive Based On The Fictional Things They Like/Create. like. for fuck’s sake learn how to say u dont like smth/a character/a ship/whatever without. all this bullshit. you are hurting people whether you realize it or not. good people. nice kind people

there are certain subjects in fiction which make me so sick to my stomach i cannot engage w people who enjoy and engage/create stuff for it. i used to judge ppl about it, back in the day, but ive grown and like. i realize i cant do that all the time. but, to protect my own self? i have certain boundaries. i will block ppl for these things. however i wont say anything abt them as people! i just dont want them interacting, and i dont wanna see their stuff, so i block. and live my life.

i dont have a problem w ppl who are neutral on mori, dont feel strongly abt him, or hell, even ppl who dislike him like, i dont have a problem w them on principle. the only time a problem begins? is when ppl come after me or attack my worth as a person/whether im “good” or “bad” or w/e as if it fucking can be determined from my online presence anyway, or when ppl start fights w me over me liking him. in my online space. if u hate my mori loveposting fuckin block me mate! i wont come after you just block me lmfao i dont care ur an online stranger, im not gonna cry about it or try to doxx u or ur family, im not gonna hire an online hitman to take u out i fucking promise do not care abt how u feel abt me.

but i do not react kindly to aggression from online strangers, regardless of the reason. if ur lucky ill block u n get ur shit off my blog/tweets/threads/etc. but if im feelin zesty, then dont get mad when i call u out on ur frankly unacceptable behavior? if i bother u so much bc i like a fake man who is not real and does not exist in real life... dont speak to me. block me. move along.

but dont try bringing the heat to me n then crying abt it when i call u out man.

tl;dr: i love mori an autistic amount which is to say in a not normal fashion or manner or way or amount at all, and im not ashamed of that. i dont care if ppl are neutral on him, or if they even dislike or hate him. thats fine. theyre allowed. just dont bother me abt liking him and/or shipping him w fukuzawa. nor do i care if hes like understandably/narratively justified in being ooc in fanworks, or if ppl simply outright say “hey i know this is ooc but thats how it is here in this fic” im fine w that i dont care. what i care about is ppl acting high n mighty over what fiction they like, and acting like they then get to decide who “belongs” in “their” fandom like theyre the king or w/e based on their fandom likes or dislikes. like those ppl are what is making fandom more n more toxic n unsafe these days and i genuinely hope ppl who think like that step on legos which are on fire every day for the rest of their lives or until they start caring enough abt others to change their behavior lmfao.

since i caught up on the canon content ive been catching up on skk fics as well and i kept getting distracted by how mori is ALWAYS so ooc in them its so?????

i do understand despite dark era & fifteen & stormbringer we still have a sizeable knowledge gap about what happened between mori, chuuya (15-22), and dazai (14-18) but theres no way you can convince me he beat dazai up or experimented(???????) on him. or that chuuya is somehow unaware of mori's "dark" mafia business (news flash: all mafia business is "dark") or mori actively harming him for no reason like theres just no way.

first of all theres literally no reason why he would touch dazai physically. mori's logic isnt always perfect because utilitarianism itself isnt perfect but he does things for a reason and what purpose would hurting dazai even serve?? mori wants dazai as his right-hand man (and arguably, eventual successor) so the thing about his manipulation was always to make dazai think theyre partners-in-crime. and dazai did, because up until mimic thats exactly what they were: they scheme and plot and reign over other people's lives, together. tbh i dont think current dazai even thinks mori "led him down a dark path" or its child abuse or whatever moral reasons, he's still mad and bitter as hell about mori simply because he feels betrayed by the man. they were supposed to be in this together, y'know?

and then theres chuuya. morally upright, kind and just and caring, chuuya. lol. dont get me wrong mori definitely doesn't tell him every single morbid details about his scheme of the day (chuuya's morals are not quite dazai's), but theres just no way chuuya gets to executive position without having his hands/knowledge in every pie of the mafia business. plus, chuuya's a very important asset to the mafia, too important for mori to discard/hamper/harm unless theres an extremely good tradeoff. i think a lot of fanon underestimated chuuya's contribution to the mafia tbh, hes not merely valued for his combat power (though he has a significant amount of it) thats akutagawa's position as head of the combat forces. chuuya was recruited at 15 and immediately trained not to fight but to manage mafia's assets and business partners (under kouyou's tutelege), and his first significant position, after only a year of joining, was handling the mafia's entire jewellery trade. even people he hung around (the flags) were among mafia's leadership ranks and candidates for executives, and then theres the fact he was dazai's partner and expected to keep up to him. hardly any of which had to do with fighting on the front lines, in contrast to akutagawa whose only value-add to the mafia, even after six years, was rashoumon. in my opinion these positions showed mori actually regards chuuya very highly (and ironically values his capabilities way more than fandom on average) so then again if there ever was a situation mori wanted to harm chuuya the payoff better be huge for it to be worth it in his eyes.

tangentially related: not excusing organised crimes or the mafia elsewhere, but in-universe the port mafia under mori has been implied to be "cleaner" than under the old boss's reign multiple times, so tbh i dont think their illicit businesses would ever be enough to cross chuuya's - extremely sketchy - moral lines. at 15 he was fighting turf wars with the pm and didnt hesitate to go the extra mile 3000m above ground just to personally hunt down an enemy, and at 16 he ran the illegal jewellery business for money laundering and his only worry was not catching up to dazai's achievements (read: crime list). we do know for sure the pm doesnt dabble in the drug trade at all (dazai outright said any member touching drugs are to be disposed of and implied he had killed subordinates before for being unclean in dark era). human trafficking & prostitution is 50/50? they do make a nasty habit of employing underaged kids and especially those with abilities but then so does the ada and the government/military (yosano? tachihara? anyone) so maybe minor labour laws in bsd-verse are just that bad. other than that just i just dont see chuuya having a problem with other mafia stuff like weapons trafficking (pretty sure the sheep did this too), arson, extortion, bribery, fraud, counterfeiting (his bestie was pianoman lol), gambling, theft, murder (again lol). i had to pull that list of mafia-related crimes off wiki lol

anyway i guess people want a villain for skk and mori's sure no good guy but theres no need to make him so ooc guys. to be frank once you make mori ooc skk themselves become ooc as well because now dazai and chuuya are ""absolved"" of their mafia crimes but look like total weak-willed idiots who do whatever the big bad mori tells them to. and wheres the appeal in those characters?

[ibolyafagyi]

also crying cuz why didnt i submit my student film to that first film anim festival? a year and a half ago. suddenly my distrust in my own work is so painful. i havent drawn anything that i felt had weight since i finished tech school. i simply did not do anything with it bc i was afraid of adulthood. i even stopped ani altogether and focused instead of painting, partly to not even think about the opportunities that im throwing out the window.

ive had so little appreciation for my stuff in the context of communities and other people... i wish i pushed more. i wish i wish i wish. i wish i had people. its so hard. its no wonder its all so hard like this. its no wonder i feel stupid and empty and useless and cant draw even like i used to, let alone improve my stuff. cuz thats whats happening, ive kept waiting for my breakthrough and level up but this time its different, i just dont have any fuel left for making anything.

and im already thinking about how im gonna throw away my uni degree after im done with it, the very thing ive been working hard on since my last boat jump (and will for another 1,5 yrs). i do anything for a year or 2 at school and then im just tired of it. why are you like this! trying so hard and burning out so early. just before you would have any real rewards for your efforts.

i already feel this familiar emptiness, that okay i can understand and translate this text, i can read the literature and write an essay (/i can draw shit), im even good at it, but whats all this good for? its useless bc its me, im useless bc ill never do anything w this skill that im in the process of training. training for so long everyday w the expectation to do good, bc this is my purpose this is my "job" to do right now, but inside my motivation is withering away bc im giving up on using that skill bc i dont trust i can be an adult and do things in real life for real. of course i feel like shit. and my opportunities slip by bc i dont care enough for myself and my skills and values to grab them.

is it cuz everything is so easy for me and i dont ever have to do anything? i dont have to worry abt budgeting and groceries and cooking and cleaning and i have just abt no obligations or responsibilities for anything, anyone, not even myself. outside of doing good at school. i have no weight in this life. im overworrying bc i have no weight to comfortably push me down.